Narrator:
In the early afternoon of the day of the Giant Cat, Brennan notices Blackbird as she's sitting off by herself practicing with her lute. He hesitates, thinks for a moment, and then shrugs and goes over to her.
Brennan:
Blackbird, I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes if you don't mind...
Blackbird:
Sure. I've been sitting here long enough, though. Walk with me?
Narrator:
She gets up and together they start out on what's becoming a well-trod path out of the encampment.
Brennan: [awkwardly]
Well, you and I -- we've know each other for a long time, right?
Blackbird: [with a sidelong glance]
Uh, sure.
Brennan: [fidgeting]
Well, I need some advice.
Blackbird: [another sidelong glance]
What kind of advice?
Brennan:
Well, you know I really don't know many women, and I've kinda always thought of you as a sister...
[Blackbird's eyebrows rise discretely at this comment]
The problem is with Maia and I... Well...
[blurts]
I'm kinda in love with her you see... And things are wonderful when we're off by ourselves, but whenever we get near people -- even old friends of mine -- things get...awkward. She just doesn't deal with people very well.
Blackbird: [sarcastic]
So I noticed.
Brennan: [exasperated]
Well what do I do?! I don't want to leave her -- I _won't_ leave her! But I don't want to live away from people _all_ the time!! And I can't change her attitudes towards people...
[sighs deeply]
I need advice.
Blackbird: [unspoken]
What do I know about living with difficult women? He should ask Tiberious....
[aloud, as much to herself as him.]
You won't leave her. You don't want to live away from people all the time. You can't change her attitudes about people.
Hmm.
[unspoken]
Have you considered a muzzle?
[aloud]
What do you want from me? I think you know that something will have to change. Either you get used to living away from people, she gets used to living around them, or you leave her.
Brennan: [looking more frustrated]
What do I want from you? Ideas. Suggestions. Observations. Help! Believe me, I can see the problem here -- I don't need help with that! What I need is some other way of dealing with it than the obvious and untenable ones.
Blackbird:
There's not a magic answer. Life is like that.
Brennan:
Look, I wasn't joking when I complimented you earlier! You always seem to figure out some way of getting exactly what you want or need from any situation, regardless of the circumstances. I need that sort of wisdom here.
Blackbird: [looks a little somber]
I do not always get what I want, Jack.
[looks like wants to say more but is having a hard time finding the words. Pauses for a while. When she continues, Brennan gets the feeling that what she says is not what she was thinking about.]
Is it really necessary for you to remain with Maia constantly? She seems the independent sort. Can you not satisfy your need for other human contact by spending time apart from her?
Brennan: [another deep sigh]
Don't tell me you've never been in love!
Narrator:
Brennan notes that Blackbird looks particularly troubled by that comment. As if he had touched a sensitive spot without realizing it.
Brennan:
I can and do spend some time away from her, but it'd take weeks or months for me to go out and do anything meaningful! And I don't know that I could handle that... I'm caught but good...
Blackbird: [annoyed look, unspoken]
Lovesick.
Brennan: [misreading her annoyed look]
You don't like her, do you?
Blackbird: [diplomatically, answering in a roundabout way]
I asked Maia if she would show me something about her herbal knowledge. She did not say yes, but neither did she say no. I will take that as a promising sign. We may yet find common ground.
Our eyes do not seem to gaze upon the same world. We might be too far apart for "like" and "dislike" to be truly meaningful.
I think she does not respect my life highly. I cannot dare to forget that.
Brennan:
That's not the way I would have put it. She values all life highly. She just doesn't think exclusively of humans and their needs.
Blackbird:
It is natural for humans to think of their needs above other animals. All other animals think that way, too.
Brennan:
[quiet for a few moments]
But she didn't hurt you. She wouldn't have. She's just very adamant about her beliefs... She's even pulled that fire trick on me before -- and I had to *move* to get out of the way... You looked awfully serious when you came back at her though... I was more than a little worried.
Blackbird:
You need not have worried.
Brennan: [shoulders drop slightly -- that's at least one burden removed]
Good. That's as I expected.
Narrator:
They walk on for a few minutes in silence.
Blackbird: [quietly]
I really do not have any magic advice for you, Brennan. Learn to compromise. Try to arrange for others to see those aspects of Maia that so appeal to you. You were a stranger to her once, too.
Start with me....
Brennan: [nods and thinks for a moment]
I love the way she thinks. It's so...direct. It's almost childlike. And yet so wise. She sees things in ways that no-one else does. She can be incredibly gentle and caring, and yet as tough and reliable as anyone I've ever known. There's not a duplicitous bone in her body! [he blushes and falls quiet for a moment]
And she's not really incompetent with people, she's just been raised differently than most of us.
[glances at Blackbird]
You've traveled as widely as I have, you should understand. We're hardly the be-all end-all here in York! Think of her as coming from a distant country and you'll do better with her.
Did you ever hear me talking about the nature of Truth and Reality before?
Blackbird: [chuckling]
No, I cannot say that I did. And I am not sure I can even picture it very well!
Brennan:
Well it's the sort of thing we discuss frequently. I can't tell you how much I've learned from her. And I don't mean practical learning like herbal lore - I mean really important things like different ways of looking at the world. I've grown since I've been with her.
Blackbird: [sighs]
I will try to see through your eyes, Brennan.
[unspoken]
But it is going to give me a headache.
Brennan:
Ok. Thanks for listening, at least.
[pause]
One favor though. If you two ever are at odds again, please remember that she's a good person. She may need to be restrained at times, but there'd never be any reason to hurt her.
[looks carefully at Blackbird's face]
Blackbird: [nods]
Narrator:
Brennan's shoulders drop another hitch as some more tension leaves.
Brennan: [pulls together]
Now it's your turn. Something's bothering you Blackbird. Something about getting what you want. Something about love. Do you want to talk with me about it? I'm certainly no emotional wizard, but sometimes it helps to just get it out.
Blackbird: [unspoken]
Why not?
[aloud]
I am not sure I have ever loved anyone, Brennan. There are three men who have professed to truly love me.
[grins]
Three out of the crowd that I have some reason to believe, anyway.
One of them I betrayed and abandoned. One of them I treat like a shabby old cloak I only keep until I can obtain something better. And from the last I promised myself I would extract slow painful vengeance.
Yet each of them keeps coming back for more. One can grab my soul and make me sing like the gods themselves were guiding my notes. One takes good care of me. And one can make me rich and arouse my passions. I want to keep them all, and I want my freedom, too. I want all the advantages each can offer, and none of the limitations. I think I will hurt more than one of them in my madness.
Am I insane. Or just evil?
Brennan: [touched]
Blackbird... As I said before, I've known you for an awfully long time. I knew you before you became who you are now. And if anyone else were to say what you just said to me, I would tell them that they were being selfish. But I know how much you care, and freely give of yourself to the people you are with. I know that it's not just to your own benefit that you involve yourself with so many of them.
[doubtful look crosses Blackbird's face]
No one is 'evil' for wanting such things.
[thinks for a moment]
Ok, there are several different ways to look at this.
First, really think about them for a while instead of agonizing over your own position. Realize that they, too, are self-willed and intelligent beings who have chosen to be in their roles with you. You might not be able to give them all that they ask for, but that's not your fault. So long as you're honest and open about what you can do, and then do the best you can. They'll decide if it's enough for them. And if it is, great, if not, that's ok too. You did your best.
Second, look at it from the standpoint of your needs, instead of your 'wants' and commitments. Give yourself a clean slate and then think through what you really need to be happy. Don't assume you have _anything_ to start with in this process or you might be destroyed when you lose it by overlooking it. Now who can satisfy those needs? Maybe you do actually need several relationships, I can't say. But you have to realize that each person you involve yourself with in order to meet some personal need will bring a helluva lot of baggage with them. And you're going to have to decide if it's worth it to deal with that.
Oh, and you're neither insane nor evil. You're just you. And I think 'you' is a good person of tremendous potential.
Finally, it's clear that there are some commitments that you've made in the past that are haunting you now. Although it's very important to try to be true to your word, remember that what is said here and now is far more significant than whatever was said in the past. The past is...past. One makes the best decisions that one can given the information available. And one should not be afraid to reexamine decisions that were made with incorrect or insufficient information. Explain the situation and renegotiate with an eye for your own human limitations.
Blackbird: [looking astounded]
That ... that was wonderful. Nobody has ever shown it to me in that way.
[good-natured, trying not to seem so dumbstruck]
You picked all that up wandering around in the woods with a pack of dogs? Most people who spend all their time around others, including me -- especially me -- are not so insightful. I wish I had been so helpful about your difficulties with Maia.
Brennan: [shakes his head and smiles teasingly]
Don't worry about it. You're right, I knew that I had to educate her and learn to compromise. It just won't be much fun. But now that you've told me that I have to do it, it'll be your fault that it's unpleasant, and I can blame you if it doesn't work out!
Narrator:
Blackbird takes a joking off-speed swing at Brennan which he ducks dramatically. They continue to walk quietly for a few moments, still smiling.
Brennan: [stops smiling]
I don't remember how much I've told you about my childhood. It was very confusing. I never knew who my parents were. I was the village's child, spending a year with each family... And each family felt that it was their special responsibility to tell me what life was _really_ about. I didn't think much about what they said back then... I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, or being envious of everyone else's sense of attachment and permanence.
Narrator:
Brennan looks and sounds so hollow that Blackbird starts to say something, but then he picks back up and sounds like his normal self again.
Brennan:
But over the last few years, I've thought a lot about what they had to say. They were very wise. Not always able to express themselves clearly, but very wise nonetheless.
[looks around]
And I think that out here is the best place to think about things like that. There is no limit to time. There are few interruptions.
[smiles at some squirrels chattering at each other]
...And there are analogies everywhere!
[looks at Blackbird]
You see, you've been living in the middle of your experiments, continually immersed in what you're trying to learn about. That's great for getting the feel of it, but not for understanding it. You no doubt find it easy to reach out and empathize. I find it easier to step back and analyze.
But each of us can do a little of both, and that's how we can help each other.
And Maia...
[deep sigh]
Oh, Maia. As I said, she's extremely wise and at the same time almost childish. She's very challenging. I have to be on my toes both physically and mentally every minute with her. It's in trying to understand and learn from her that I've pieced together a lot of what I now believe. I've probably even quoted her in the last few minutes without realizing it.
[starts looking tearful again, but in a happy way]
I've been happier in this last year with her than I've ever been before in my life. I expect that I'll always feel like I've got a hole somewhere in my chest, but the happiness I feel when I'm with her somehow overwhelms that and makes all my hurts and problems seem...trivial. But that's why I'd come to you for advice. I was as immersed in my quandry with Maia as you are in your questions of love and commitment. I needed your detached viewpoint of my relationship with her... Actually, I think I only needed to put the situation in terms that another person could understand. Terms that aren't blurred by all of my feelings.
Narrator:
They continue on quietly for a few minutes.
Brennan:
On another subject entirely, do you have any idea what we're waiting on here? You must hear a lot more than since you're with everyone all the time. What's going on?
Blackbird:
I do not have the foggiest idea. There is a castle. It has a curse on it. Jhereg wants the curse off. I assume he is doing something about it. He has not chosen to tell me what if anything that entails. He invited me here but he has hardly talked to me in days.
The castle has been cursed for hundreds of years now. I cannot see why they will remove it just because he asks nicely. And even if they do, what will be left there but a ruin? Easier to build his own castle and forget about this one, but he wants to make a name for himself, I suppose.
Narrator:
Brennan shakes his head in somber agreement, but says no more. They've looped around during the walk and are almost to the clearing when Brennan turns to Blackbird, catches her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.
Brennan: [smiles]
Thanks. I knew it would help to talk to you.
Blackbird: [bemused]
If you say so.
Keep safe, Jack. Bahamut watch over you.